She Dreamt She Was A Princess Her life started as Any child's does Loved by many Especially God Above Then circumstances tore away All of her happy days She did exactly as she was told Had to be done perfectly, in every way She never got to have a child's fun Work, chores and turmoil is all she knew She toiled many long hours a day But, she had her dreams that one day she prayed would come true She would do as they said to All of it without a word But, inside her mind they could not get So her dreams went unheard Sister's that were favored over her They got all they wanted and more While she, just a baby herself Scrubbed, cleaned and dreamt some more She would watch them go Dressed in Gold and Silver they were Her in her rags for clothes she thought That would also be her The years went by To her chores she kept Scrubbing, cleaning, listening to them bicker Finally with her friends the birds, she sat and bitterly wept For only once she wanted to go To a grand ball where the Prince would be Her dreams through the years They all included he She would twirl and dance when she could While she was alone Pretending she was dancing with him The Prince before he married and was gone Then one night it happened, as once again she wept Her friends the birds started singing She looked up and saw her there In her beautiful gown so gleaming “You must hurry now" said the one Who visited her that night “Must not keep His Majesty waiting” Rubbing her eyes, she stood up, surely she was losing her sight It was her Fairy Godmother, she waved her wand All around her swirled a gown of white A carriage awaited her To take her to her most beautiful night She walked in, there was a hush That fell upon the crowd The Price saw this beautiful one He knew she would be his bride and, wear a Princesses' crown They danced all night together Not another did he even see There was no other now She was the only one, his Princess she would be Now you know the story Of the child who had nothing up to then This peasant girl married her Prince And taught us to keep dreaming our dreams And never give up on them.... ©Dana Price

The Wrong Turn/DNR

Mom, You Will Be Gone 14 Years Tomorrow At 2:20am...I Miss You So Very Much
The Wrong Turn
~ Bring out the candles on the cake,
the fanfare and confetti,
bright balloons that bob through
institutional smells,
strong and nauseous, never dying.
In the strength of sense making,
endless breakdowns,
yours.
Subtle pulsations, motion-sick swills,
contaminate the murky fusing,
eliminating reason.
~ I bring flowers for the living,
long breathy lyrics to fill the stillness,
a smile painted in place.
All around me faces from faded photographs,
filmy eyes frosted, cold.
Credulously the blister on my heel
becomes delicate pleasure,
proof that I can feel.
The icy ping hits me like a hailstorm.
I begin to cry,
"Where are you Mom,
I know you're in there"
Mom please tell me
you only took a wrong turn
in this your last journey.
~ Some one please stop this
bleeding
denial.....

©Dana Price

May 19th, 1998
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Order sits on the table in front of me.The ink pen beside it almost looks like it says Not Erasable on it. The decision has to be made (even though it was agreed upon months before this, in depth with the patient herself). But then a week ago she stated in her slurred speech that she needed time to think about it again. I wondered, did she have time? In this case we were told by the doctor, “if you need more time, a Full Code Order (Take any measures to help one live no matter what) will be in effect until a firm decision is made and the papers signed." I agreed, after all this was my Mother here, although she was frail and drawn from months of suffering and pain caused by a third stroke in a year and a half, but she was still so mentally alert and bright in mind. The strokes had taken her body, but her mind was as clear as ever ( what a Curse). She was being fed liquid nourishment through a tube surgically implanted in her stomach. The intravenous fluids pumping into her through what seemed to be a thousand tubes and needles. Her lips and mouth parched and dry from having nothing by mouth for over 5 months although I moistened her mouth several times a day. She would cry out to me, the nurses, and anyone else to please let her have a sip of water. But we knew, if we did she could choke to death (maybe she did too as I look back now).Now I wonder if that would have been so wrong. At least she would die knowing how it felt to swallow again, and feel the cool water on her lips. No I told myself, you cannot play God. But I had prayed for so long for her just to be able to eat one more time, even if it was just strained baby food. Again I wrestled with my emotions. She was going to die anyway, why not with a little happiness of some kind. My thoughts were again interrupted by a nurse telling me she had to change my Mother's diaper. I called it a pad to try and relieve her humiliation, and restore some kind of dignity for her. But even that was to no avail. I could see the shame and embarrassment in her tired, sad, dimming eyes. Outside the door I could hear her cry and moan in pain from a back injury years before, as they turned and rolled her to clean her up and treat the bed sores they tried so valiantly to prevent. I thought to myself, "When I go back in I will give her a drop of water off of the swab sponge". But again I felt fear creep up inside my whole being. I could take the chance and maybe it would be okay. Or, maybe I would kill her by her choking on the cool liquid. My mind told me to go ahead. My heart ached as once more my mind turned to logic. Do I have this right? It's what she wants. She could not speak by now. Only the pleading in her dimming oil spot eyes, which were once a beautiful Hazel. Dear God, what was she asking of me? Only for a taste of water? Or was it an end to it all she was asking for? Okay I told myself, there is absolutely no quality to her life now as she lies here day in, day out. She was totally dependent on others for her very existence, and she was so fiercely independent all of her life. And, that's all it was, was existing, not living, never seeing daylight or nightfall, looking at the same ceiling, every minute of every day. Literally the same ceiling, as she could not turn her head at all now. So, why not? Once more my thoughts were interrupted by nurses coming to suction fluid from her lungs again. Again, I reminded myself, when God was ready for her, He would take her, it wasn't up to me. I felt so ashamed for thinking about it. It was only 3 days later, her temperature shot up to 106.2. She was gasping for air. They put an oxygen mask on her. I watched as she struggled to get a hand up to her face to remove the mask, not once, not twice, but so many times over and over again. Finally the doctor was kind enough to order nasal oxygen only. Thank God, no mask. Was this an answer to one of my prayers? Then her blood pressure dropped to an almost fatal level, but still she continued to fight for every breath and kept on the battle. She was getting cyanotic now, her feet blue up to her chest. Her skin was like ice, even with the fever. The gasping grew more intense, and I saw every muscle in her body in knots. This was it, I had to remove the oxygen, and she was suffocating anyway. I could make it quicker for her. A nurse came in, she told me it was only a matter of time now, at best a few hours if even that. The word 'hours' might as well have been 'eternity' to me at that moment. I told the nurse to leave the room. She said she could not allow me to do this, but yes, she would leave us. Finally she told me the Do Not Resesutate was in effect. That didn't help the way I saw my Mother as I stood there beside her. Her suffering, fighting, gasping, and losing her battle slowly. The nurse then left us. Now was my chance. I told my Mother I loved her so much, I kissed her twisted, distorted face and reached for the oxygen tank. It was in my hand, I held her hand in one of mine and her life in the other. Ok, I was ready now. Dear God, help me I am ready, are you? Is she? I fell to my knees, and asked for the strength to help her. I raised my head and through my tears I thought, God knows every gasp of air she is fighting for, it's not your place. Again I had decided I could not play God, no matter how bad I hurt inside and no matter how hard she had to fight. It was up to her and God now. I turned away to hide the tears, started to walk out of that room for a while, and as I looked back, I said what I knew would be my final goodbye to my Mother. 14 hours later she passed away into the arms of God finally. Could I have lived with myself if I had helped end her life? I will never be able to answer that question, only agonize over if I had done the right thing or not.
Cecilia Margaret Bates

February 3rd,1921--May 19th,1998

Rest In Peace Mom, and remember, I will never forget.

I Love You

Your Loving Daughter

Dana

Dreaming Again
I dream of you
In the stillness of the night
Your arms are the wind
Holding me tight
Whispering softly
Calling my name
It's your voice I hear, again and again
My heart is full, yet so empty too
Because the one thing I want and can not have is...
YOU !

©Dana Price

All Rights Reserved

Masks

Masks

A Mask of many faces

I wear daily, second to second

Must not let anyone see

What is really going on, inside of me

I Fear, I can’t Cry

Then within I Scream

Why must I go through this Hell

So unfair it all seems

So I don a Mask

A new one it seems every hour

So no one sees

How these “things “hold over me, such power

How can I now Fear

The very things I have

For most of my Life

Loved and held so dear

These things are mine

Circumstances wrenched the happiness away

So I will wear another Mask

And with no sleep, face another day

Do the Masks really cover?

The Torment inside me

Or do they just camouflage

The Fear, Sadness, and Terror

That I feel Daily, but

I won't burden anyone else to see

…

©Dana Price

Grandma I Remember

      GRANDMA, I REMEMBER

Grandma you were my Nonnie
Now I am a Nonnie too
Grandma, I remember
And I want to talk to you

I remember all the times
I spent at your house with you
And I know in my Heart
That you still remember too

This world, it took your mind
And The Lord took you home too
But nothing can erase
These memories in my Heart, of me and you

You see, I do today
What you did way back then
You taught me very well
Now I understand what being Nonnie means again

It means wiping tears away
From a hurting little face
And kissing a scratched up elbow
Nothing heals so fast, as a Nonnie kiss on that owie place

It also means playing games
Even when your busy or tired
That little one your playing with
Will give you strength, even bring you out of the mire

Nonnie's endure, No not endure
Nonnie really loves
To color for hours in coloring books
Oh, on that small face, those happy happy looks

And play Tic Tac Toe
And guessing games too
Grandma, I remember
And I'm doing the same, just like you

Saying prayers at bedtime
With a Heart so full of Love
And you know God hears you, and that little one
From His Heaven high above

Being a Nonnie,Grandma
How special, I never would have dreamed
But the memories, that little one will hold
Years from now, will be like yesterday it seems

Those memories can never be taken
From that little one, even when they are grown
These memories we are making now
Will always be their own

And when they are grown, and remember back
They will smile, and yes sometimes even cry
For those happy carefree times
That seemed to just fly by

But when they do think back
They will feel as I do now
Because Grandma I remember
And I want those times back somehow

But time almost sometimes
Seems to be a thief
Taking happy, carefree days away
Even causing some grief

So Grandma, I will do my best
To be a Nonnie who will listen and sit
Not rush around and be to busy
That way ,that little one will never forget

Yes Grandma, I remember
How much those times meant to you
And now those and these times
Mean so very much to me too

I'll make these memories happy ones
I'll take time to listen,play,and just sit
Yes Grandma, I remember
And I pray, they won't forget

Grandma, I remember you
And the things we did together
I want to be just like you
A Nonnie who will be remembered forever

So Grandma, I want to thank you
For being there with and for me
So one day in the future
These little ones of mine, will think back and see

I hope they will smile and think back
Of all the things we do
And maybe, just maybe
I will hear, "Nonnie I remember too”.

© Dana Price

All Rights Reserved